Demons
by shadowed by passion
Summary: Bella is willing to do anything to get away from her demons.
1. Chapter 1

I have no set schedule on updating this. All Chaps will be between 1k and 2k words. It will be a ride, so enjoy...

Lastly, this is self beta'ed because I don't feel like wasting time sending chaps off as they complete.

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Demons

I walked down the street; light snow flakes swirling around me. I briefly thought of how cold it was outside, but then let the thought exit my mind.

If was concerned about warmth, I wouldn't be in a sweater and flip flops, and I certainly wouldn't be drinking ice water. Mom always said to stay hydrated.

Even still, I deeper shrugged into my sweater, looking to the sky. The tiny flakes floated around me, the wind blowing them this way and that.

I thought of how lovely it would be to be able to float around; to fly in the sky. No rules. No worries. No demons to follow me. A gust of wind hit me and my hair whipped around my face. Maybe being that free wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

I picked up my pace and headed home.

I pushed the door open and set my cup on the table.

I hugged my arms around my body and walked to the thermostat.

It almost felt colder in my house than out of it.

I pushed the button to turn the heat up a few degrees, calculating in my mind how much more in gas this would end up costing me.

I ended up pushing it back down a degree.

DEMONS

The only sound that could be heard was heavy breathing. He lay next to me, his right hand between my legs. His fingers explored, not quite finding the right place. I knew it wasn't because he was unable, but because he loved to tease me. Teasing was what got him off, and annoyed me. I reached down, guiding his fingers right to where I wanted them.

He moaned as his fingers slid in and out of the wetness that he had caused.

"You like it when I tease you, huh?"

My only response was a moan. A throaty, whorish moan.

"God, you are such a good girl." His fingers moved slowly, but with purpose. His thumb lightly rubbed my clit, and my body couldn't help but arch up. I wanted more. I wanted him.

"Stay still. My little whore." He placed his lips to mine, before pulling his fingers from me.

I heard the rip of the condom wrapper and he was lightly pressing his way in.

His fingers rested just below my lips. I knew what he wanted, and I would gladly oblige. My tongue moistened my lips, before licking his fingers. I brought his fingers into my mouth, sucking them clean.

He moaned and I felt him begin to lose control.

I encouraged him along; after all this was all for him. My nails clawed down his back, and increased my efforts to let him know I was enjoying myself.

He collapsed onto me, panting as he tried to regulate his breathing.

I looked to the clock. Fifteen minutes, start to finish. There was no reason to be breathing like that after fifteen minutes. You would think he had just run a marathon with how he was acting.

"Fuck, you sure know how to make a guy's night."

"I try."

DEMONS

The warm water ran over my body. The only time I felt warm in my house was in the shower, under the warmth of the water.

I poured a tiny bit of the hotel shampoo I stole into my hand. I stared at the jelly-like substance. I guess it wasn't exactly stealing. The cost of it was included in the room.

Although, I was sure 'classy' places like Highway Seven Inn, expected you to leave the bottle so they could refill it.

I was completely out of soap, so I poured a tiny bit more of the shampoo into my hands so I could wash my body. I hands slid over the swollen flesh between my legs.

I didn't mind getting rough, but being sore days later was never how I wanted to be.

DEMONS

"Fuck, Bella, get a move on it!" Jessica, my bitch of a boss, yelled at me.

"How about you carry the trays of food, and I dictate orders if I'm not moving fast enough for you."

"Lose the shit, Swan."

I rolled my eyes and carried my tray to the awaiting guests.

"A Heineken for the gentleman and a white wine of the lady," I stated, setting the drinks before the guests. The guy was the type I would normally invite home on a lonely night, but the fact that he was with a woman whose dress cost more than three months wages, I knew he wasn't someone who would be interested in me. His sandy blond hair was cut short and when he looked up at me; his ice blue eyes pierced my heart.

He could be something amazing…if only he wasn't taken.

As I turned to walk away, I felt a hand on the lower side of my ass, under my skirt. I looked down to see the gentleman sitting next to where I was standing, feeling me up.

"Can I get you anything more?" I cut my eyes to who I would presume was his wife. Shocked at his blatant disrespect for her, I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to create a scene, but I wasn't sure about his hand on me either.

"There is plenty you could get me." His fingers wiggled and slid between my legs. I was thankful for the tights I had on, and always wore, at this moment. Once in a while you would get a customer like this. They were the worst.

"Well, you let me know, and I will do my best," I said taking a step back. He tried to hold on, but in the end, I won.

I shot his wife a glance. She was none the wiser at what was transpiring before her. Her eyes were locked on something or someone across the room.

"She wouldn't notice, and I heard you were something to brag about."

I shot him a look of disgust and walked away.

Tonight would be a long night if all the customers were pigs.

DEMONS

"So, what's you name pretty lady?"

"Izzy." I took a puff of my cigarette and blew the smoke into his face.

"Oh, that's a pretty name for a pretty lady."

I rolled my eyes. What a fucking pathetic come on.

"You look cold, Izzy. Would you like me to warm you up?"

"No thank you." I took another long drag of my cigarette before flicking it into the street.

The light above us flickered and created an eerie setting.

"Well, Izzy, if you change your mind." He thrust his hand at me, holding out a business card.

Everything in me told me not to take the card, but I did anyways. What was the harm?

Laurent Blackwell – finance

"What a non-descript business card, Laurent."

I flipped it over and his phone number was written in a beautiful hand printed script.

"See you around soon, Izzy."

I tossed his card into my bag, and did my best as disappearing from his view.

DEMONS

Skin hitting skin. Grunts and screams; yelling for help and mercy echoed in my mind.

There was nothing enjoyable about the sight I witnessed. The sight I was part of.

There are times when they say you are out of body. Maybe it is before you die; maybe it is the moments when you are not sure if you will make it. Maybe it is because you need to see what you have before you throw it all away.

I saw myself. I floated above like I had always dreamed of. I saw myself; a paramedic standing over me.

"One. Two. Three." And a blow into my lungs.

I floated past the scene; it wasn't pleasant.

I saw children playing; laughing, dancing, living.

I wanted to drop back down, I wanted to enjoy the life those children were living.

As I tried to go to them, I was pulled back to the prior scene. Back to my lifeless body.

My chest rose and the paramedic pulled back. I was back.

There was no escaping the demons within me.

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Once I have time, I will post the banner here - but it can currently be found on Christag_banners site.


	2. Chapter 2

Are you all still with me? For those that are interested - this is also posted on Fiction Pad.

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When I was a child, my best friend, Johnnie and I did everything together. We would dig up worms and play in the dirt. We would play dress up; I as a princess and of course, he would be my prince charming.

The day I found out that I was different from Johnnie changed everything. Yeah, I knew he was a boy, and boys were supposedly gross, but when it came to Johnnie, none of that mattered. At least at one point in time it hadn't mattered.

We were nine and I thought it would be a good idea to play doctor. I had just gone to see mine and the memory was fresh on my mind. Thinking back to that day, I can't believe I had suggested something so stupid. That one suggestion changed my life forever.

Johnnie played the doctor. I told him what to do and he did it. When I stood before him naked, he told me I wasn't like him. He showed me what he meant, and that was the first time I saw a boy naked.

After that day, things were never the same between us. After that day, there never was an 'us' again.

DEMONS

I stood over the old, battered gravestone. Eighteen years had passed and the loss was still raw in my chest.

I knew why he died. I knew he died because of me. No one ever came out and said it was my fault, but I knew better. I knew it was my fault. I saw the way they looked, I saw the stares. Everyone hated me.

I ran my finger over the script that spelt out my best friend's name.

"I miss you, Johnnie."

I placed a kiss to the dirty, old gravestone, before leaving again for another year.

DEMONS

I closed my eyes and enjoyed the warmth around me. It was like a warm summer day, yet it was still snowing outside. But in here, in here it was warm and bright.

My eyes opened and I knew I was in a place I had always wanted to be. I was with the well off. I was part of them now. I looked down at my clothes. No longer was I wearing clothes I had for years, but instead, a new, white summer dress.

I was what I had always wanted to be. As I looked around, the beauty turned dark. It turned into ruins, like everything I came into contact did. The harsh reality hit me; this wasn't real. This was just a dream. What I always wished for, I would never have.

DEMONS

I heard sounds. They were sounds I had only heard once before; when I had snuck into the hospital to see Johnnie.

My eyes fluttered open and the room was dark; cold, sterile.

"Ah, there you are my pretty girl."

My eyes snapped to where the sound was coming from. At least I had attempted to move them quickly, but I felt like I was made of mush and I could hardly move.

"Why are you here?" I choked out. Before me stood the man from the alley, Laurent.

"I'm here to take you home."

The click of his shoes as he walked away drowned out the rush of worry into my mind.

DEMONS

The snow fell around me. I plopped down and made a snow angel. Even at twenty-seven, I still wanted to relive being a kid.

When I was a kid, times were good. Far better than now.

The snow fell around me. Slowly, so very slowly I let myself get buried under the snow. The weight of the damp snow slowly felt like it would crush me.

No longer was the snow soft; no longer was it a comforting to me. Instead, it was trying to kill me.

DEMONS

"Come on, come back to us."

The pressing on my chest made me want to attack, but I couldn't move. I couldn't defend myself.

"One. Two. Three."

"Did anyone see what happened?" someone yelled.

I did, but I couldn't answer. The crushing weight on my chest had completely restrained me.

I fluttered away. Fluttered to where I would be safe. Where I would be home.

"Johnnie!" I yelled, running to my best friend. I tried to hug him, but he was gone. He disappeared.

"Bells, it's not your time."

I turned to look for him; his voice the same as it was when we were kids.

"It's been my time since you left me," I called out, spinning my body around, trying to find him.

"It wasn't your fault. I'm not your fault. Now go!"

I coughed, my body jerking back to reality.

My eyes fluttered and I swore I saw an angel before me.

"Johnnie, help me. Take me with you," I croaked.

"No, not Jonnie, but I'm going to get you some help. I'll take care of you."

DEMONS

Messy hair. Deep, forest green eyes. The gentle caress across my face.

"We've got you, beautiful." His voice just above a whisper. The other noises around us were far louder than him. Him…he looked like an angel.

His hands brushed the hair back from my face.

"Her breathing is shallow. Giving her oxygen. I wish we knew what happened to her."

There was a pause and he looked at me.

"Can you hear me?"

I wanted to open my mouth. I wanted to respond. I wanted to tell him to let me go. I wanted to tell him to let me die.

"Blink once for yes. Can you hear me?"

I willed my eye lids to move. His face went away, then it came back.

"Good. Do you know where you are? Blink once for yes. Two for no."

I forced my eye closed twice.

"You're in an ambulance. You're going to be okay. Are you in pain?"

I blinked once. I was always in pain.

His hand moved at my side a few moments before everything turned black.

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Soon - I promise, everything with Bella will start to make sense.


	3. Chapter 3

Sorry for the delay - Life has been crazy busy, and then I went and got sick and spent just about two days in bed... but here we are. Some questions will be (sort of) answered. Some questions will be created, but in time, they all will be answered.

This again is un-betaed, so all mistakes are mine.

Enjoy!

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Chap 3

I lay and listen.

There's a leak in a sink. Water repeatedly dripped over and over. I wish I had it in me to move; to find a way to break free and stop the sound.

I've tried to move, but I've had very little luck.

I heard the sounds of someone breathing. I wonder of it's me breathing, but I can't tell. Honestly, I'm not even sure I am breathing anymore.

A door opened and I heard the tap of shoes.

I wanted to panic, but I couldn't panic. As soon as I felt like my heart should be racing, I was instantly calm.  
"Son, what are you still doing here?"

The breathing I had been hearing changed.

"I don't know. Waiting I guess."

"You can't stay here forever. You need to go home, eat, shower, maybe find some clean clothes."

"Dad, she asked me to save her. I can't walk away."

"She didn't have a clue what she was saying when you brought her in, and you know that. Plus, how many other people ask you to _save them_? Tons, yet I don't see you camping at their bed side."

"No, I don't know a thing about how she was when I brought her in outside of my report! You won't tell me anything, so I have no idea what her state of mind was!"

That voice. I knew that voice, but from where? I had no idea. It sounded angry. What I remembered of that voice, it wasn't angry before, but comforting.

"Edward, I've been lenient on you by letting you stay here for the last week in your own private vigil, but maybe it's time I have you removed. You are giving too much to this girl; to this complete stranger. You need to take a step back, Son. Girls like this one are no good." The room fell silent and I tried to think of what kind of girl this guy took me as. "If you won't leave, at least go down and wash up. I have spare scrubs in my locker."

DEMONS

All sounds my ears could hear were void. I fluttered my eyes. It was dark and eerie.

I tried to move my arms, but they wouldn't budge. My legs felt like a ton of bricks lay over them. I tried to lift my head to see what was restraining me, but my body wouldn't move. No part of me would move.

I panicked, and this time, my body reacted. A loud noise to my right caused me to jump, and I panicked more.

Before I could comprehend what was going on and where I was, the door flew open and I was rushed by two women dressed in scrubs.

"Shhh, calm down, sweetie," the small, brunette lady said. Her hair was cut short, almost like a man's, but it was styled beautifully, and she had a very feminine look about her. She pulled off that hair style better than I ever had.

"Her blood pressure is elevated. One-eighty over one-ten," the taller and heavier blonde said. My eyes shifted over to her. She stood at my side messing with a machine next to me.

"Do you know your name?" My eyes shifted back to the brunette.

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I hoped the look I was expressing was one of worry and fright. I couldn't talk. I couldn't move. How I wanted to scream, but I couldn't do that either.

"It's okay, it's very common in your state to be unable to speak. Can you shake your head yes or no?"

In my state? What did she mean by that? But, instead of thinking about it, I did as she asked. I tried and I was able to nod yes. At least some part of me worked.

"Very good. So, do you know your name?"

I thought for a moment. Nodded yes.

"Very good! Do you know where you are?"

I cut my eyes around the room. I was fairly certain I was in a hospital, but I wasn't sure. I wasn't positive. I had been tricked before.

I shook my head no.

"You are in a hospital. We are going to take care of you. Do you remember what happened?"

I closed my eyes.

Johnnie – I remembered seeing him. I tried to think to before that moment, but there was nothing.

I shook my head no. I wanted to cry.

I felt something dap at my face. I opened my eyes and the nurse stood over me.

"You had some tears." There was a pause. I looked around and the other nurse was gone. I was left with the brunette one. The one who seemed so very nice.

"The doctor will be in soon I think. We will let him know you woke. He should be able to explain everything to you. Can I get you anything?"

I thought – yes, yes should could get me something, but what, I wasn't sure. I nodded yes.

"Okay, let's see how we can do this. Do you want some water?"

My throat was dry. I wondered if water would help with my inability to talk. I nodded yes.

"Okay, I will get you water. Anything else?"

I thought and I knew I needed something more. I nodded again.

"A blanket?"

No.

"A bath?"

No.

"The television on?"

No.

I was about to figure a way to tell her I didn't need anything more, when the door flew open and an angel walked into the room.

"She's awake." His voice came out quiet, relieved. His face was covered in the same relief that his voice echoed. He made his way to the side of my bed. "Hi, do you remember me?"

His voice was familiar. His face was as well. I didn't know how to respond.

"Alice, is she okay?"

He turned to the nurse, but didn't move from my side.

"She's," after moments of thinking and an emotional debate within her, she continued, "you need to wait and talk to Carlisle." She paused and looked back at me. "I will look into some water. I'll be right back."

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This can be found on Fiction Pad as well for those wanting to stay off FFn...

Til next time...


	4. Chapter 4

I swear, when I posted this story I didn't intend on such delays with posting. I planned in my mind every other day, maybe even more often, but then real life took over, and that hasn't happened. I won't go into the life drama, but if the updates stop there is a chance that I've lost my biscuits...much like Bella has...

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The water of the shower pounded over my head; my eyes were closed to protect myself from the beating water. I pulled my head back and my eyes fluttered open. I watched as the dried blood mixed on the bottom of the tub with the water. Red water flowed around me. My hands were covered in blood. My body was covered in blood.

Some of it mine. Some of it…not mine.

I picked up the wash cloth and scrubbed my hands until they were raw, then the rest of my body. I scrubbed my hardest to get the dried fluid off my body, but it didn't want to come off.

Once I was completely scrubbed head to toe, I shut the water off. I was sure there was still blood on my body. I knew there was still blood on my soul.

DEMONS

My eyes opened and I looked around the room. The guy from before, earlier…whenever, was in the corner. His eyes are closed and I figured he was sleeping.

I wasn't sure why he was there. I really wasn't even sure who he was.

At first he reminded me of an angel, of Johnnie, but I knew he wasn't Johnnie, or an angel.

I tried to piece together how I knew him, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't figure it out.

I guessed that whatever was wrong with me had to have been affecting my mind. I had to know who he was and just couldn't remember.

That was the only logical explanation.

I took a deep breath and tried my best to be silent. I really didn't want to wake him up, or have anyone else know I was awake.

They all seemed nice, the nurses and whoever this guy was, but in the end, no one ever stayed nice.

My head ached with confusion. I tried to search my mind for what led me here. How and why I was in the hospital. I tried to think as hard as possible for who this guy was and why he was here.

Was he a random guy I picked up and fucked and it went wrong? But normally on the times it went wrong, the guy never stayed around, and he surely never brought me to the hospital for care.

He groaned and moaned and stretched. I tried to close my eyes, but his eyes cut to me before I was able to.

"Bella, you're awake." He jumped up and came to my bed side. Even though I don't know him, he sure does know me.

"Do you hurt? Do you need anything? I wish I knew how to help you."

I swallowed the moisture in my mouth. I prepared myself to talk, praying it would work.

I groaned. I struggled to make the sounds in my head come out of my mouth. I struggled to make that groan a word.

I wanted to tell him I was hurt, but not physically. Only emotionally. I wanted to tell him I needed to go home. I needed to climb into my bed. I wished he could help me too. I wished he could help me do all of those things.

"Maybe I should get Carlisle."

Who's that? I wanted to ask, instead I groaned again while he sat on the phone speaking in a hushed tone.

"Okay," he said to me, as he ended his call, "Carlisle will be here soon. He will explain everything."

We sat in silence, obviously because I couldn't respond to any questions anyways.

It was uncomfortable, but not. It was almost like this guy had a calming peace around him.

After what felt like hours, he cleared his throat.

"I guess I should explain to you who I am, huh?" He smiled and his smile was beautiful. Buried thoughts broke through my mind. I had seen that smile before. "My name is Edward and I'm a paramedic. My dad, Carlisle, always wanted me to go to medical school. Become a doctor like him. I find helping people satisfying, but being in a building, locked up, was never my cup of tea. I opted for a job at a firehouse with my buddy, Jasper. We have been friends for as long as I can remember. He started as a paramedic as a branch into emergency medicine, but never found the drive to go back to school, so seven years later, we still work side by side." He sighed and looked at me. "I'm sure you probably don't give a crap about my back story. You probably only care about why some strange dude is at your bed side. At least you don't seem too freaked out by it."

It was reassuring to know that I really shouldn't know who he was. I tried to smile. I prayed I was reflecting a smile on my face.

"Ah, that is beautiful. Hopefully soon you will be doing more of that."

He brushed the back of his fingers across my face. My instincts told me to flinch, but I didn't. I couldn't. My body instead enjoyed the touch. There was something about him that told me to trust him and him alone.

"So, I guess you want to know how we met. I was, well Jasper and me, were called to the scene of a woman who had collapsed on the side of the road. When I got there, she was in full arrest. We almost lost her. We almost lost _you_. No one that was on the scene saw you fall. We have no idea how long you were on the ground for. It was terrifying to know that you had been laying there for hours while people walked by and ignored you. You eventually came to and asked me to save you. I plan to do just that. I haven't been able to leave your side since. I have to make sure I fulfill the request you made."

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Still all with me?


	5. Chapter 5

Based on the reviews (which I read them all) some of you are confused. I won't say which ones... just some of. I don't want to ruin any aspect of this, but all I can say is, wait it out... it will make sense. Even my pre-readers are lost! LOL

The rest of my week is CRAZY busy! We are having a shit ton of furniture delivered this weekend, so I need to clean and organize and move stuff so it will all fit.

I don't say it often enough, but I appreciate each one of you that dives into these crazy ideas with me.

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Chap 5

"Bella Bee, stay here, okay? When daddy comes home, tell him I went to the park, okay?"

"If you're going to the park, why can't I come with?" I looked at my mama dressed in her Sunday best. She had a bag slung over her shoulder and a suitcase at her feet.

"Bee, it isn't a park for kiddos, okay? I wish I could take you with me, I really do. Know I love you okay?"

"Okay, mama. When will you be back?"

She thought at looked at me, her eyes big. "Later. Be a good girl. Okay, Bee? Mind your daddy."

"Okay, mama."

She kissed my cheek and hugged me tight. Tighter than normal.

She stroked her fingers over my cheek. "Good bye, Bee."

"Bye, mama."

DEMONS

Edward's hand stroked my cheek. He cupped my face as his thumb moved back and forth over my cheek. Just like my mom used to.

"Don't cry, Bella."

I hadn't realized I was crying, but I was. I couldn't help it. I sniffled and Edward took a tissue to my nose.

He really was attentive. Beyond the norm for anyone. Especially for a stranger.

There was a knock at the door. Edward stiffened beside me.

The door opened slowly and an older male walked in. My body stiffened as well, well at least as good as it could.

"Bella, how are you feeling? Can you blink once if you are feeling okay?"

I shifted my eyes to Edward, unsure of who this was guy was.

"It's okay; this is my dad, Carlisle. He's your doctor."

I looked back at the older gentleman. He resembled Edward in his eyes. The looked trust worthy. They looked honest and caring. I had never met two men who looked more trusting than these two.

I blinked once.

"Very good. Any pain? Once for yes, two for no."

I thought about it and, honestly, for the first time in a long time, I wasn't feeling anything on the outside. The physical pain I normally had was gone. My heart, though, my heart still hurt.

I blinked twice. He didn't need to know about the emotional issues anyways.

"Okay, I'm going to go grab the chair over there and sit down. I'm sure you want to know what's happened to you."

I watched as he walked across the room, unable to tear my eyes from him. He moved slowly and with purpose. It was clear he didn't want to alarm me.

I tried to wiggle my fingers. Edward's hand was next to mine and for some reason, I wanted it holding mine. I had never felt so secure with anyone like I was with him in a long time. In a way, he reminded me of Johnnie in that aspect. I knew I had always been safe with him…until I wasn't. I wondered if there would be a time when I was no longer safe next to Edward. I knew it was possible. Trusting people wasn't something I was typical of doing.

Carlisle sat down next to the bed and looked toward his son, his words broke up my thoughts. "Edward, I think it best if you leave."

You could tell Edward was having a struggle about this. I was too. I didn't want him to go, but I also didn't know what I was about to be told. Either way, I wasn't sure I wanted to hear it alone.

I blinked twice.

And again.

I tried to wiggle my fingers again and I could have sworn my index finger moved. If it had, no one noticed.

I blinked twice again.

Edward finally looked from his dad, to me. His eyes caught mine and I blinked. Once. Twice. Don't go.

"Dad, I think it's best if I stay."

"Edward." His voice was firm. Frightening. Voice typically wasn't something that scared me, but when unable to move or defend myself, I was scared.

"Why don't you ask her what she wants?"

Carlisle looked at me.

"Do you want him to stay?"

I blinked once.

"Well, okay then. Edward, I don't agree with this, but it isn't my choice." His eyes looked to me and I could see he was about to say things I never said out loud before. Things I thought I hid well and no one would ever know about me. His eyes and face reflected what I should have expected. I may not be able to move my body, but my mind was clear for once. I knew where this was about to go.

"Bella, you've been under my care now for almost four weeks. We have kept you in a coma like state in hopes that you would heal and recover. We have been weaning your body from the drugs we administered slowly, so I'm sure you will still feel some of the effects.

"Those effects are mostly sleepiness. You will be in here for a while, so we will continue to care for you and I will oversee that." He paused and took a deep breath. He looked to Edward and shook his head.

He then continued, "When you were brought in, you had enough drugs in your system to get a baby whale high. The long term drug use has taken a massive toll on your body. From the tests we ran, it looks like you got a bad batch of cocaine. The cocaine reacted with the other street drugs and pharmaceuticals in your system, causing a massive stroke.

"We had hoped by allowing you time to wean from those drugs as well as recovery time from the stroke, you would be better off than you are now. Slowly, your movement and speech should return. You will probably need speech, physical and occupational therapy before this is all over to fully recover."

I felt a tear slide down my cheek. I had never felt so defeated in my entire life.

I had never felt so exposed in my entire life.

I had never wanted to get as high as I did right then before in my entire life.

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Ah - so does it make more sense? Yes? No? Maybe?

I would love to drop a plug here as well - for my dear friend, Jeanne McDonald - aka SparklingWand. She has recently published her second book(with my help of course LOL) and I want you all to check out her work. I edit for her (probably why I am so damn busy) and we are currently getting ready to start on a few more projects together. If you would like to check her out, you can locate her via my FB page or her website - www . jeannemcdonald . com

Til later!


	6. Chapter 6

Sorry for the delay - Had a house of sick kids and husband. It's been a crazy week. To those still with me, here it is...

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Chap 6

I cowered in the corner. After the first hour, it was still fun. I ran around the house like I owned the joint.

After the second hour, it started to get dark outside. I started to get scared. I wasn't sure I wanted to be home anymore.

Daddy should have been home. Mommy should have been back; but they weren't.

My stomach started to growl. It ached. It hurt. I was hungry, but every time I attempted to move, a sound would come from outside. Or the floor would creak, or my shadow would scare me.

I knew I was safe, but I was alone. I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to be without my family.

DEMONS

"Shhhh, shhhh, Bella, it's okay."

A gentle touch. My screaming over powered it all.

"I don't know what's wrong!" the voice shouted. "Dad, stop it. She's in pain."

"Edward, this is her own doing. Her body is still facing the fact of withdrawals, even though the drugs have been out of her system for a while. I could medicate her, but I doubt it would help. The fact is, her body needs this. Let her yell, let her lash around. I told you not to be involved, but you didn't want to listen to me."

"Now is not the time. And maybe if you had told me, I would have listened, but probably not. This girl needs someone, be it me or someone else. At least with me, we know she's safe."

My screaming continued. I thrashed and tightened my eyes closed tight.

DEMONS

"Johnnie, don't go over there. It's not safe!"

"Bella, stop being a chicken! Let's go!"

"You know we were told not to go!"

"By who? Your foster mom! Who cares what she says! My mom is cool with it and since she's my real mom, we should listen to her." Johnnie was never this determined, but two weeks had passed since we played doctor. This was the first time he talked to me since. Any time before that I had tried, he seemed weirded out by me. I didn't want to mess it up and lose my friend for good. I had to be tough.

I sighed. My friend held his hand out to me. "Fine, but if we get in trouble, you're taking the blame."

"Deal, now let's go!"

I took Johnnie's hand and followed him into the dark, deserted house.

"I'm scared."

"Stop being a baby, Bella. No one likes babies."

I took a deep breath and tried to seal my resolve. We would be safe. There was nothing scary about this.

A loud crash from outside startled me. "Johnnie…"

"Bella, chill. It was probably an animal."

"Animals don't make sounds that loud."

"Bears do!" He laughed this creepy laugh. I couldn't help but smack him.

"Let's just do this. I told Sam I could do it. I told him I was tough. I have to prove him right."

We kept walking through the house. Our flashlight flickered on and off. I did _not_ want to be in this house. There were rumors that it was haunted, and that terrified me.

Sounds of a tree scraping against the side of the house. Sounds of rats running across the attic. My insides were shaking, but I had to stay strong, because if I didn't, Johnnie was sure to make fun of me. He needed me to be strong for him too.

The floor cracked under us. I stopped moving, but Johnnie tugged me along. The floor cracked again.

"Johnnie, stop," I whined.

"Come on, Bee, stop being a scaredy cat." Johnnie turned around and continued his descent into the house.

The floor cracked. Johnnie screamed. He was gone.

DEMONS

I gasped, struggling to suck air into my lungs. My eyes flew opened and I struggled to make sense of where I was, but then I saw him; an angel.

"Hey there. You feeling better?"

I opened my mouth. I prayed a word would come out. A sound. Anything.

"Ahhhh uhhhhhh grrrrr."

"It's okay. Your speech should slowly come back. You've been screaming, so the speech therapist said that your vocal cords aren't damaged, but are now pretty sore. How about we blink. Are you okay? Once for yes. Twice for no."

I blinked twice. I was far from okay. I was hurt; emotionally and physically. My physical was the least of my worries though. I can't handle the emotional. At least not sober.

DEMONS

I trudged down the street. My foster mom kicked me out. Johnnie's mom and she were close. She didn't want a killer in her house.

I tried to explain that it wasn't me. I tried to explain that I didn't want to be in the house, but Johnnie's mom said she told him he wasn't allowed in, so it had to be me. I had to have been the one to get him to go there.

Rain pounded down on my head. I walked and walked and walked. I didn't know where I was going to walk to, but I knew I needed to keep moving. No matter what, I couldn't stop.

I walked for days. I slept in alleys. I cried myself to sleep, scared I wouldn't make it. I ate out of a dumpster after the first day.

By day three, I was found by a little old lady. I was fishing in her trash for food and she walked out of her house and found me.

She brought me into her house and gave me a warm blanket and a warm meal.

She held my hand while we waited for the police to come and take me away. In the two hours I was at her house, she was the mother I never had, but always wanted.

DEMONS

"Izz, try it. You'll like it. It'll take the pain away, trust me, baby."

"I don't…" He gave me a look that I didn't want to question. James, my boyfriend was a man that you didn't want to question; ever. He was a few years older than me. Being only fifteen and a street kid, you had to find an older group to stick with.

I took the joint and inhaled. My lungs filled with smoke and slowly, I felt my body get tingly after a few hard drags.

By the time the joint was gone, I was stoned off my ass. James took me to bed that night.

It was the night of many firsts. The first time I got high and the first time I had sex.

* * *

Hope you are all still here... See ya next time(hopefully sooner than later)


	7. Chapter 7

Life is crazy busy. Part of me has thought to put this baby on hold, but then I figure you all would rather updates when I can, instead of not at all.

So for those of you still with me...

* * *

Chap 7

Edward stood over me; his hand wrapped around mine.

"I will protect you, Bella. I will help you stay clean." His words were just above a whisper, but I heard them.

I wondered if he was trying to convince himself; or it he was hoping my subconscious would record his words. I wondered if he even knew I was awake.

I still had yet to grasp why he cared as much as he did. I was a mess, honestly not worth saving. Had he not arrived when he did, I wouldn't be here now. And honestly, I can't say that would be such a bad thing. I didn't deserve to be here anymore.

The air I breathed was a waste. The space I took on Earth was a waste. I wasn't worth his time. I wish there was a way that I could express to him that I wasn't worth it. At all. He needed to get on with his life and over whatever his obsession was with helping me. I wished there was a way I could tell him all of that.

DEMONS

The music blared in the other room. Techno music and people were yelling.

I lay on the bed, my clothes half way off. I had a line of coke on my stomach.

"If you don't snort it, I will," I slurred to James.

"Oh, baby, I'm gonna snort that shit then fuck you all night long."

True to his word, he snorted the snow off me, before licking my stomach where the powder had been. He then took his time and made sure that my toes curled, and I moaned and called his name all night long.

As a reward for giving him my body all night, he helped me carry my high on all night and day long.

He was my dealer and I was his fuck. What I needed, he gave and what he needed, I gave.

DEMONS

Wiggle, you fool.

Wiggle it. Fuck you, finger! Wiggle!

I had been trying for an hour, so the clock told me, to wiggle the pointer finger on my right hand. I thought if maybe I could, I would be able to somehow tell them to end me. Hadn't I moved my hand before? Or was that a dream? Or was I moving it now, but I just didn't realize…. Who knew?

I was sure to be costing someone a shit ton of money, and I wasn't worth that either.

I finally gave up about the time the sun came up. I looked around the room and saw I was alone. I had been alone all along.

When did he leave? Did he finally somehow grasp that I didn't want him around? That there was better things he could be doing with his time than babysitting me.

A small part of me hurt that he left, but the rest of me was happy.

Now to convince his pops that I wasn't worth all this either.

DEMONS

I woke and the sun blared in the window. I squeezed my eyes tight.

I didn't care for the sun blaring in my eyes one bit.

I wanted the dark. The dank. The protection of the shadows.

"Isabella…..where are you, darling?"

I looked around; without the darkness there was nowhere else to hide.

"I will find you. You may think I don't know all the hiding places, but I do. I know them all."

The door creaked and he walked in.

"Please…" I whispered.

"Isabella, you are mine. Do you not understand that? He gave you to me."

"I understand." I swallowed the spit that had pooled in my mouth.

"Show me you understand." He unzipped his pants and pulled me by my hair to my knees.

DEMONS

My own scream deafened me.

"Bella, are you okay?"

Edward was back at my side.

"Ma-make it stop!" I screamed.

"Make what stop?"

"T-the, the pain!"

"What pain? Where does it hurt? Take a breath. You are hyperventilating."

He placed the oxygen mask over my face.

"Deep breaths."

I sucked in the fresh air.

"Good, now what hurts?"

"My head. My heart. The pain!"

Edward pressed the button on the bed as he pulled his phone from his pocket.

"She's been having vivid dreams. She woke screaming. She told me her head and heart hurt." A pause. "Yes, she spoke while conscious." A longer pause. "Okay, I will tell her nurse. See you soon."

"My dad is on his way." Edward gave me a forced smile and grasped on tight to my hand.

There would be no getting rid of him. For that I was sure.

DEMONS

"No more meds per Carlisle."

"None at all?" the nurse asked.

"That's what he said. He said he will be in soon to check her status and then do a possible transfer."

Edward's face looked sad.

Where would they transfer me too? I wish I knew.

"Waaa…"

"What's that, Bella?" Edward smiled. He looked happy that I was trying to communicate with him.

"Let me," the words got caught in my throat, so I tried again. "Let me die." My words were barely above a whisper, but I knew they were clear to Edward and the nurse.

Edward shook his head. "No, once you are feeling better, you won't feel that way."

"No."

"Bella, please. Let me save you," he whispered. I was sure the nurse didn't hear him. She seemed to have stepped back into the shadows after my proclamation.

"I'm not worth it." I struggled out.

"Yes, you are, and I will prove it to you.

Til the next time...


	8. Chapter 8

Over the next few weeks - I will be pretty thin, so bare with me. I'm part way through the next chap, so I hope to not completely hold out on ya all. I get about an hour a day to write/edit. Since I'm working on editing a book for one of our lovely fan fic authors, that trumps this when deadlines are involved.

* * *

Chap 8

"Bella, all of the damage on your body will heal over time. You will be able to live a fully functioning life once you have recovered. We were able to get you a bed in a rehab facility. The bad part is done. You have detoxed. It's been two months since the accident that led you to the hospital."

"T-two months?"

"Yes. You have spent most of it in a drug induced coma and then the rest of it you have been coming in and out of it. We thought it best to let your body heal as much as possible while in a coma."

"Not worth it," I whispered. It wasn't that I wanted to whisper, but when I tried to talk louder, I ended up stuttering, or having my voice cut off. It was embarrassing.

"Bella, you may not believe you are worth it, but you are. You will heal and recover and if you let yourself, live a life not revolving around drugs or being high."

How did I explain, it wasn't the drugs I needed to run from. I needed to run _to_ them to get away from the rest of it. I needed the drugs to hide from my demons.

"Need them. Make the pain better."

"Bella, they don't help that. They will not help the deeper problem."

Carlisle was as determined as his son. I vaguely recall his first visit in here, at least the first one I was aware of. He didn't seem to want his son around me, yet now they both were hopping on board to save Bella. Such a waste of both of their times.

Ever since Carlisle came into the room, Edward took a seat across the room, as far away from me as he could get. I think I hurt his feelings. I was determined to get them to understand I didn't want their help, but neither was willing to listen, no matter how much I complained.

"Son, could you go get something to drink. Grab Bella something light as well. Like a Sprite or Ginger Ale from the unit fridge."

Edward nodded and left, not a word spoken. He was finally distant in regards to me. It was a first, at least the first that I remembered.

Once the door shut behind Edward, Carlisle turned his attention back to me.

"My son cares greatly for you. I try and think I don't know why, but I do. I really shouldn't be telling you this, but I think maybe if I do, it will help you. It's selfish of me to tell you, because it won't be for you that I share this, but for my son."

He released a deep sigh before continuing, "He had a girlfriend who meant the world to him. She was the day to his night. She was his sun, moon and stars. She was his everything. He asked her to marry him the day they graduated from high school. To most, that would sound horribly premature, but they had been together the whole four years of high school. They had experienced everything young love could experience in those four years. They planned to go off to college together at Yale, and both study law. I desired him to follow me into the medical field, but they had a plan, and his plan had to always be with her. In his mind, he was nothing without her.

"Kate was the daughter I never had, but always wanted and I loved her dearly too. She completed my son in such a way. The night before they were going to leave for college, Kate and Edward went to a party. Kate was enticed into some party favors. It was unclear if Kate had a hidden drug problem, or if it was a onetime thing, but she died that night.

"Her body was weak from an abortion she had a week prior. Edward knew nothing of the baby or the drugs until the autopsy. All he knew was he found the body of the love of his life, completely lifeless.

"You know, Bella, you look a lot like her. Maybe that's why he's so drawn to you. If you're not going to accept my son's help, I understand, but know he would give all he has to save you. That I am sure of."

Carlisle patted my hand. "Just think about it. Give him and yourself a second chance. You deserve it."

DEMONS

Edward didn't come back right away. He didn't come back for hours.

While he was gone, I thought about everything Carlisle told me. I thought about how much of his life he lost because of Kate. It was clear when she died, everything he planned he gave up. He wasn't an attorney; it was clear he didn't go that route at all. It was also clear he didn't take the route his father planned out for him. Edward himself told me he opted to be a paramedic with his friend. What was his friend's relation to Kate? What was his friend's name? I didn't remember.

But mostly I wondered if he knew what it was like to lose someone to drugs, why would he want to be around someone else who was already lost to drugs?

Even if I spent every day trying my hardest to stay clean, I wasn't confident I would be able to. I was sure I would relapse, and often at that. I didn't want to be in my mind without drugs.

I had been holed up in here for two months, and I still wanted to get high. So badly. Every time my eyes closed and the dreams took over, I remembered why it was important for me to live my life high. Drugs didn't just make me numb. They also made me forget. Everything.

DEMONS

"Mom!" I ran down the street, chasing a woman that I knew, without a doubt, was my mother. I hadn't seen her since the night she went to the park.

I now knew, after living on the street, that she was running from my father. In the street, abused women can go to 'The Park,' an underground woman's shelter. They rush them across the state and country, if needed, during the night hours. It's like the Underground Railroad that you read about in history books. After I found that she left me with my dad, who had abused her, I hated her. Didn't she ever think of what could have happened to me? What did happen to me?

"Mom!" I called again. This woman continued walking away from me. I met her step by step, but I was still about a half block behind her. The faster I moved, she seemed to move just as fast, if not faster.

Why was she running away from me? Why was she leaving me again? What had I done to make her want to ever leave me?

"Mom! Mom, stop running away from me!" I pushed myself harder, mentally berating myself for smoking as often as I did. My lungs wouldn't hold up to a long run.

She turned the corner and by the time I reached the turn, she was gone. I continued running, looking down every turn, but she was nowhere to be seen.

I collapsed to the ground. People walked around me, ignoring me as the tears fell from my eyes.

I curled my body against a rundown building, praying she would come back for me.

* * *

A bit of Edward and his story. Hope to see you all soon.


	9. Chapter 9

Okay, so love me still when it is over. Okay?

* * *

Chap 9

Another month passed, still alive and holed up in the hospital.

After much debate between father and son, Edward returned back to work. It wasn't like I was talking to him anyways. We disagreed on the importance of my life.

Carlisle refused to discharge me to the rehab facility after my repeated desire to end my life. He was convinced, as well as my new shrink, Jane, that rehab wouldn't help me. They both felt I was going to take the steps needed to get out of the rehab facility as quickly as possible, so I could move forward with killing myself. Being sober I realized that I would be better off dead then constantly high or mentally reliving the demons of my life.

I had been sober for three months and the dreams were now worse than ever. This wasn't a life I wanted to live. Jane would video tape my sleeping, trying to find a prescription drug to help with the dreams, but none of them worked.

No matter how heavily sedated she had me, I still woke up screaming. And then once awake, I couldn't determine the difference between truth and false. Between reality and the hysteria in my mind.

My recovery was slow moving. My voice came and went. The nights I screamed more, were the days I had a hard time talking. But at least I could talk, and now walk with help.

So, I would walk with a walker as much as they would let me. Eventually they had to let me go. They had to eventually let me out of here. And when they did, I would run. Fast and far.

DEMONS

"Isabella, my darling," Peter, foster dad number three said. He was quite possibly the strictest and strangest of them all. I had already been there six months and I saw his wife, Claire, only a handful of times. I personally would have rather been on the street than under an adults rule, but every time I was picked up as a runaway, I was forced back into the system.

"Yes, sir?"

"Do you know what I would _love_?"

"No, sir. What would you love?" I giggled. I was sure he would want me to make him a sandwich or something. He seemed to like when I cooked for him.

"I would love you," he simply said.

"Me?"

"Oh yes you, but do you know how I would love to love you?"

"No? I'm confused." I only was fourteen and this guy was making no sense. I may had been a street kid, but I typically ran alone. With the fact I had been picked up often, I wasn't that good at running alone.

"I think after all of this time, I deserve payment for how wonderful I've been to you.

"I have no money to pay you. I didn't realize…"

"Not money, Isabella," he wrapped his arm around my torso, pulling me to him. "I want you, in my bed."

* * *

I screamed and my eyes popped open. The room was empty.

I knew there was no way to get me to be able to survive like this. I had far too many demons in my mind. My past was riddled with pain that I needed to hide. The only way to hide them was drugs, and not this prescription shit that Jane was giving me.

Real, hard core shit. That's what I needed and that's what I was going to get.

DEMONS

"Hey, Jake, can you get a girl a hook up?" I whispered into the phone.

"Bells?"

"Yeah, who else?"

"I heard you was dead, ya bitch."

"Naw, false alarm. I've been, well it doesn't matter where I've been. What does matter is I need to get high, and I need to get high now."

"I can get you something. Meet me at Fifth and Erving."

"Uh, can't. I'm kinda locked up."

"Bitch, I'm not bringing drugs into a jail. What the fuck kinda shit is that?"

"No, hospital lock up. A psych hold. You know where to get the cash you need."

"Always knew you was a crazy bitch. What's the info, I will find a way in. And don't worry, I'll get my money."

DEMONS

A throat cleared. "Flower delivery for Izzie B Swan."

I giggled at Jake's name for me.

"Ms. Swan can't have visitors."

"I'm not here to visit, just deliver this lovely arrangement."

"I see. Room Four-eighty-two."

The click of shoes vibrated down the hall.

There was a quiet knock on the door before it opened.

"Jake, you have skill."

"And a lovely arrangement for you." He placed a kiss to my cheek. "The flower food; it's my own special blend. It should last you. If you've been sober this long, you won't need a lot to go numb. Jess gave me the money, so you are covered for the coke and the flowers."

"Thanks. I'm sure I'll be in touch soon."

"Any time, baby girl." Jake kissed my cheek again and pulled me close to his chest. My best friend. My only friend anymore. I would miss him once I was gone.

DEMONS

It was a Tuesday. Edward didn't come to the hospital on Tuesdays. I waited until the nurse did a check in on me. I told her I was going to nap.

She wished me a good rest and shut the light and door on her way out.

I ripped open the flower food and dipped my finger into the white powder. I rubbed my finger on my gums and within moments, I knew this stuff was good. I could already feel the mild starts of the feeling I had been begging to feel for weeks.

I grabbed a straw from my food tray, happy I opted to drink my water without the straw today.

Taking the card with my meal order listed from the food tray, I made myself a line on the bathroom counter.

I looked at the line, then myself in the mirror.

"Here we go, Izzy B." I giggled, plugged my left nostril, while placing the straw to my right and started snorting.

* * *

So, I pinched a nerve in my back, so I have spent the last two days in a steroid/pain killer/muscle relaxer coma. It's been nice - yet not helpful on the writing front. I thought about writing yesterday, but then I passed out. I plan to relax Sunday (as Saturday I'm hosting a party - lucky me...), so while I relax, I will write(unless I pass out again).

Til next time...


	10. Chapter 10

Hi all - Merry Christmas. I will be honest - I don't handle the holiday's well, so I can't promise when the next update will happen. I tend to try and keep my mind busy, but I'm unable to focus, so writing turns into a total bust.

Plus, I've been working on a few things in the realm of publishing, so I'm dividing the small amount of time I have between fan fic, original works and editing. So please, keep baring with me.

Also, I updated a chap when fan fic was being stupid, so if you are unsure if you read the last chap, head back and look before continuing.

* * *

Chap 10

The smile on my face just might never go away. The smile on my face started to spin.

I was prepping my fifth line or was it my sixth, or eight, who knew, when I heard a knock at the door.

"Who ssssssst?" I giggled and hiccupped.

"Alice, the nurse. Are you okay in there?" I heard the knob on the bathroom door wiggle.

"Yep, fine. Better than fine. I'm spectacular!"

"You don't sound fine and you've been in the bathroom for quite a while. I came to check on you about an hour and a half ago and you were in there. And then again an hour ago. Is there a problem? Can you let me in?"

"Uno momento," I said in my worst Spanish accent. I wondered if she knew Spanish. Who was she again anyways?

"Who are you again?"

"Your nurse. Alice. Can you let me in?"

Oh, nurse. I stood from the toilet and looked around the room.

I saw my line. I knew, somewhere in my mind, she would make it go away if I didn't.

I placed the straw to my nose again and snorted. I sucked in as hard as I could. I didn't want to lose any of what I had.

I looked at the small baggie. It was almost empty. I placed my finger into my mouth before placing it into the baggie and back in my mouth.

"All gone!" I threw the straw and baggie into the trash.

"Bella, let me in!" There was a bang on the door.

"Jesus, give me a minute," I said back.

I flung the door up and Alice had her fist up, ready to knock again.

"What were you doing in there?" Alice slid into the bathroom as I came out. I watched her look around the small space.

"I wasn't doing anything. Just looking for space. Have I ever told you how much I love your hair? God, it's beautiful." I ran my hand through the hair over her shoulder.

My hand brushed her breast. Shit she was soft. I couldn't help myself. I touched her.

She pulled back.

"Bella, what are you doing?"

"Touching you. Don't you want me to touch you? Isn't that what you are here for?" I stepped forward and tried to touch her again.

"Bella, are you high?"

"Ha!" I laughed, but not really. "I'm in a hospital. How am I supposed to get high? Don't you trust me?" Her negativity was effecting my mood, and I didn't appreciate it. At all.

"Bella, you're an addict. I don't trust you at all."

"Fuck you!" I yelled as best as I could and pushed her away from me. "Fuck you, Alice!"

I dropped down to the bed, glaring at her. "Fucking bitch," I muttered.

"Bella, you are high. Your pupils are dilated and you are sweating."

"It is hot in here."

"No, it's not. Bella, please, lay down."

"Fuck you! You took my happiness away. I want you to leave. Go! Get out of here!"

"Bella, please."

"Go you, you fucking bitch." I hopped off the bed, ready to take a swing at her. I wanted her gone. I feared nothing. No one would stop me. I reached for the book on the stand by the TV, ready to throw.

Alice quickly backed out of the room before I could hit her, not once taking her eyes off me.

Fucking bitch.

DEMONS

I looked out the window and I felt the urge to jump. To fly high through the sky.

I pushed on the window, trying to open it. The glass wouldn't budge.

"Damn it! Let me out!" I yelled at the window, thinking it would open by my demands.

"Bella?"

I spun around at my name. Edward stood in the door way.

"What do you want? Are you here to accuse me of shit too?"

"No, not at all. I'm here to find out why you are yelling at the window." His voice was calm. His hands were at his sides, palms up.

"Because, Edward, I want to fly! I feel so light, so refreshed. I want to fly! Do you want to fly with me?"

He ran his hands through his hair. "Bella, you can't fly. You do know that, right?"

"Yeah I can. I can feel it in me. Come on, Edward, fly with me." I took a step toward him, looking deeply into his eyes.

They were beautiful. He was beautiful. How had I not noticed that before?

"Bella, how about I fly with you later. How about you lay down now, okay?"

"No, no. I can't it's time to fly, unless you want to lie down and have fun."

I took the remaining step toward him. My chest was pressed against his. I took a deep breath and inhaled his scent. Spice and musk.

I placed my hands on his chest; the moved over the ripples of his muscles.

"Bella," his hand moved to cup my face, "I don't think right now would be a good time for that. How about we talk?"

"Talk? When your body feels like mine feels for yours, I can't just talk. I want to touch and taste." I leaned in and placed my lips to his chin.

He didn't stop me as my tongue slid between my lips, meeting his skin. My hands moved over his chest and into the air and back into his hair.

"Bella," he placed his hands on my shoulders and pushed me back just a tiny bit. "Not now, okay?"

I blinked. I felt my high leave me. I was still high, but the euphoria was gone.

I sat back on the bed, feeling completely rejected for the first time in my life.

* * *

Some steps back... but rock bottom is where you have to go before you can go up, right?


	11. Chapter 11

Sorry for the delay. Like has been busy and my mojo has been deep in the toilet. I'm going to do my best to bust our some chaps and then hopefully complete this baby sooner than later.

* * *

Chap 11

Warmth surrounded me. I was safe. Well, at least I felt that way. I felt completely safe in myself. I felt right. I felt pure. I felt perfect.

Coming down had never felt this good before in my entire life. I tried to focus to see what was making everything feel perfect. Whatever it was, I wanted it to never leave.

The warmth got closer around me, completely enveloping me.

My eyes struggled and lashes fluttered and then it was clear. He was there.

Edward.

His arms wrapped tight around my body. His leg draped over mine. Our bodies were completely tangled together.

Why was he still here? Why did he stay? I closed my eyes and tried to remember what all happened before I passed out.

At least I thought I passed out. Maybe I didn't, who knew.

Well, Edward did.

I thought about what happened and I knew that nothing happened.

Maybe if I had been sober. Maybe if I wasn't me. Maybe if we hadn't met after I tried to kill myself. Maybe if it was another life, something could have happened.

I could tell he would want it – maybe. That he would be willing – maybe. If only I wasn't me. If only I wasn't a drug addict.

It hurt in a place I had never felt before when he rejected me. A small part of me knew that he didn't actually reject me, but the rest of me felt like dirt. Like he didn't want any part of me.

Truth was, I felt him. I _knew_ he wanted me, if only I wasn't me. If only I wasn't damaged. I could have had him, in any other situation. In any other place, I could have made him mine. He was the kind of guy I could have convinced me to take back to his place. He was the type of guy that I could have made mine – if only I wasn't me.

I lay next to him. Trying to stay still. I didn't want to wake him, I didn't want him to move from where he was. Completely wrapped around me.

His chest rose and fell. His hold on me tightened and loosened as he slept. I wondered what he was dreaming about. I wondered if on a subconscious level he was thinking about me. If I was on his mind. I knew he probably wasn't. I knew for him I was probably a charity case; someone he felt the need to save.

I knew for him once I went home, or wherever I was to go once I was allowed to be discharged, I would be the past. I would be a success story for all he was concerned.

Part of me never wanted to go home if it meant I would lose him, but the other part of me wanted to go home so I could lose myself.

His arms tightened and his eyes fluttered open.

"Hey you." His voice was groggy. "How long have you been awake?" He released me from his hold and stretched.

My body ached to have his arms back around me.

"I, I don't know," I whispered.

"Well, it's been a bit that you have been asleep, so either way, I'm happy you are awake."

"Huh?"

"You've been sleeping for a few days. After we laid down together, Carlisle came in and set you up on an IV and some meds. I don't know, you just slept. Any time I would leave, you would shake and cry in your sleep, so I stayed."

"You've been laying here with me for days?" Dumbfounded didn't even begin to express my feelings.

"Yeah. Curled on this tiny bed too." He paused and looked closely at me. "Damn, I sound like such a freak. Well, I guess now that you are awake, I should be going, huh?"

"You don't have to," I whispered.

"Well thank you, but I probably should be. I'll be back later today or something, okay?"

I nodded, unable to speak. I didn't trust my voice. I wanted him to stay. I wanted him there with me. I wanted him to never leave.

DEMONS

"Isabella, we need to talk." Jane sat before me. Our chairs were face to face and our knees were just about touching.

I pulled my legs under myself, trying to create a bit of space between us.

"What about?"

"You got high in the bathroom here. You have a serious problem. You were near death with that move. If Alice hadn't come in when she did, you could have over dosed."

"No I couldn't have. I was out."

"Where did you get it from?"

"Don't worry about it." There was no way I would rat out Jake. I knew he wouldn't be able to deliver to me again, but I still wouldn't give anyone his name. I needed him once I got back out of here.

"I heard about the flower delivery. Was that a friend that brought those?"

Silence.

"We pulled the phone records for your room. Who was it that you called?"

Silence.

"Should I go ahead and call the number myself?"

Silence.

"Isabella, you have to talk to me."

"Actually, I don't have to talk to you. I don't want to talk to you. I think I'm ready to go back to my room." I was getting a little annoyed with her.

"Well, Bella, unfortunately, we will not be allowing you alone in your room at this time."

I stood up, suddenly aware that I could move on my own. That I was able to walk and run and I didn't have to stay here – not anymore.

"Jane, I'm leaving. I don't have to stay here. I don't want to stay here!" I yelled.

On two mildly steady feet, I walked out of the office and down the hall.

Dressed in hospital scrubs and slippers, I made my way around the halls, following signs to the exit.

I pushed the door open and the outside air suffocated me.

I hadn't had fresh air in months.

I wasn't sure where I was going to go, because it didn't matter. I was free.


End file.
